Fez's Un-Birthday
by MistyMountainHop
Summary: "Crazy" Caroline seeks Hyde's help in throwing Fez a surprise party. The request comes at the end of a terrible week, but Hyde could use the distraction. One-shot.


**Disclaimer:** _That '70s Show _copyright The Carsey-Werner Company, LLC and Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment, LLC.

**Author's Note: **Today's my birthday (April 11th), and I wrote this one-shot as a li'l party favor to all of you. Thanks for your continued (or new) readership! :D

**FEZ'S UN-BIRTHDAY**

Hyde's fat, swollen lip had finally gone down, enough that eating French fries no longer hurt. The Hub's version of crispy usually meant burnt, but he was already feeling that way... _burned. _Jackie and Kelso's reconciliation was inevitable, man. Hyde should've seen the graffiti sprayed on the building. Jackie had used him as a bandage to soak up her pain, and she'd tossed him out like a blood-stained strip of cotton.

She and Kelso were making out at a table now, deep and sloppy—and oblivious to The Hub's disgusted patrons, including Hyde. He slouched in his chair and stared down at his tray of food, at his fingers snatching up French fries. This had been a bang-up week so far. First, he'd gotten his ass kicked by a bunch of chicks. Granted, they were armed with hockey sticks, but the blow to his ego stung worse than their strikes to his body. Not one of 'em had thought getting nasty might've been more fun than bashing in his skull.

Of course, he, Forman, and Fez had vandalized their locker room. The female team of Snapping Turtles didn't appreciate that, but their male counterparts had beaten the crap out of Fez. Hyde couldn't let that go unpunished. Fez was one of his best buddies and didn't know how to fight. Plus, he was picked on a lot for the thick accent and not being freakin' American. Hyde had to protect him.

"Oh, Michael!" Jackie's giggles reached Hyde across The Hub, and he scowled at his half-eaten hotdog. She'd perpetrated the second offense to his ego this week. His last four months were spent trying to forget their kiss, how far inside him it had reached. In January, success was finally his. He nailed four different chicks without conjuring Jackie's eyes, her mouth. His strut was firmly back in place—until she yanked it away from him.

Jackie meant nothing to him. _She _had_ to mean nothing, man. _That was his mantra, and his method to make it the truth was, in part, exposure. He exposed himself to her time with Kelso, as sickening as it was. But instead of inuring him to the state of things, anger had taken root at his core.

"Hyde!" Someone was shouting at him and tapping his hand frantically.

"What?" He looked up from his food. "Oh, Caroline. Hey."

Fez's nutbag girlfriend had pulled out a chair and joined him. She was a pretty enough chick, blonde hair with a pleasant face—when her eyes didn't grow large enough to swallow a guy whole. She was crazy, man. A certifiable headcase who choked herself regularly in some psychotic ritual. She liked to torture her mind with thoughts of Fez dumping her, and her way to calm down was depriving herself of air until she passed out.

"Hi," she said now breathlessly. "I could use your help."

"Uh... with what?"

"Throwing Fez a surprise party."

"Why?"

"To celebrate his birthday, silly!" She smiled wide, a toothy smile, but it didn't make her look any saner.

"His birthday's not 'til August," Hyde said. "This is February."

She slapped his wrist and chuckled. "I know that! But I didn't get to celebrate his last sixteen birthdays, so I thought I'd give him an _un_-birthday party to make up for it."

Hyde's gaze fixed on her expectant face. He should've kept silent, but laughter chugged relentlessly from his chest. It was one of his defenses when he felt wholly too uncomfortable. "Just show up at his place," he said eventually, "carrying bags of candy and wearin' nothing but a trench coat. That'll be all the celebration he needs."

"No!" Caroline's voice blasted through her gritted her teeth. "I need to make this party special, and I don't know him well enough—despite the fact that I spy on him everywhere. Did you know he sings to himself while he goes to the bathroom?"

"That's just... peachy," he said with no affect. Maybe if he projected no emotion at all, she'd drop away like a swatted fly.

She grasped his hand instead. "Please, Hyde? I _have _to do this. I have to give him a party he'll never forget. Please, please, _please_ help me." She squeezed his palm, so tightly that her nails were going to leave marks. "You're his best friend, right? Together, we can make this party a killer."

He sat up straight in his chair "Well, as 'groovy' as all this sounds, I gotta say—"

"But I thought we _weren't _doing it," Kelso said. He was being dragged by Jackie toward The Hub's door. "You said you wanted to wait."

"We _are_ waiting" she said, "but that doesn't mean we can't do things with our clothes on."

"Like what? I'm used to doing things naked now. I don't remember how—"

"I'll remind you. Come on!" She tugged on Kelso's hand, and he sped up enough to wrap his arm around her shoulders. Hyde glowered at their backs before they disappeared outside.

"Look," Caroline said and shoved a list in front of his face, "I've already written down the places we need to go and what we need to get."

He took the list from her and read it:

**For Fez's Un-Birthday Party**

1) Go through the phone book and invite everyone who's first name doesn't start with a "C" and last name doesn't start with a "D" to the party. [ ]

2) Secure party space. [x]

3) Go to Sal's Hardware. [ ] Buy:

a) Sharp knives.  
b) Twine  
c) Duct tape

4) Go to the Piggly Wiggly. [ ] Buy:

a) Flour, eggs butter, sugar  
b) Chocolate frosting  
c) Assorted bags of candy  
d) Rat poison

The list went on, but Hyde had seen enough. "Why the hell do you need knives, duct tape, twine, and rat poison?" he said.

"Oh, the place I rented for the party is in the woods. Yeah, there are a lot of rats, raccoons and other nosy creatures around there. I don't want them eating the cake before Fez has a chance to taste it."

"Uh-huh..." he sucked in a breath and blew it out, knowing full-well what he had to do, "I'll help you."

"You will? Great!" She gave his hand one final squeeze before standing. "You can drive me to the woods. I want to show you the cabin—"

"About that..." he stood up and rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of how she'd take his next words, "I think Fez would be more surprised if we held the party in Forman's basement."

She cast him a puzzled look. "Really? But he goes there every day."

"That's the surprise, man. He'll never see the party comin'. Plus, the only critters we gotta worry about are dust bunnies."

"Okay," she said between intakes of air. She sounded perpetually breathless whenever she talked. Falling unconscious during her "self-soothing" chokes probably didn't take too long.

Outside in the cold February air, Hyde opened the Camino's passenger-side door for her. She opened her mouth to speak, but he said, "I know where we gotta go. Trust me."

She grinned, "I trust you," and flitted inside his car like a wackadoo butterfly. "You're Fez's best friend, so of course I trust you. He wouldn't have chosen someone untrustwor—"

He slammed the door shut. Man, was this chick a handful, but she was also a good distraction. Her brand of crazy had to be enough to keep his mind busy, something he sorely needed. Envisioning Jackie and Kelso together, messing around as much as they could while clothed, made him want to buy his own rat poison.

* * *

"Fake swords?" Caroline gathered a pile of plastic, bejeweled cutlasses in her hand. Hyde had driven her to Pete's Party Warehouse, in the hopes of buying some benign party supplies. "Fez puts on this eyepatch sometimes when we kiss. He says it makes him feel like a pirate."

"No swords, okay?" Hyde took the plastic weapons from her and put them back on the shelf. "No fake guns, no itching powder, no hand-buzzers. Well... maybe just one." He dropped a hand-buzzer into his basket. "We're not tryin' to give Fez a heart attack."

"Right. Right." She moved onto a shelf of colorful noisemakers and blowouts. "Are you sure I shouldn't invite more people?"

"Party's in a week. Don't think you'll get through all of the Wisconsin White Pages in time. Fez ain't that kinda guy anyway. He won't want all those people bogarting his cake."

"Hmm." She started counting _Scooby-Doo_ blowouts. "What do you know about those two sluts that hang around him?"

"Kelso and Fez have a love-hate thing goin' on, and Laurie barely—"

"No, I mean the tall redhead and the short brunette."

Hyde hesitated before answering. He needed a moment to register what she was saying. "Donna and Jackie? You got 'em pegged wrong."

Caroline gave up counting blowouts and shoved them all into her basket. "I see how they look at Fez. All girls look at Fez that way. He's so charismatic."

"Believe me, Donna and Jackie ain't interested. Donna's with Forman, and Jackie suffers from Kelso-on-the-Brain. It's a mortal disease, man. Terminal."

"You don't sound happy about that." She began walking down the aisle, and he followed her. They ended up two aisles over where a bunch of Halloween masks were stashed. She picked up one of Nixon. "Ooh, maybe everyone should dress up! We could disguise our voices, too." She raised the mask up to her face. "Wouldn't that be fun?"

"Yeah, no..." He pressed down on the mask gently, and she lowered it to reveal a trembling frown. "I hate it when chicks go off the deep-end," he muttered, but he should've kept it to himself. She'd heard him.

"I have not gone off the deep-end!" She impaled the Nixon mask on its shelf hook. "Why do people keep saying that?"

"Wasn't talkin' about you," he said and hoped she bought it. "Talkin' about Jackie."

"The slutty brunette?"

"Yup. Just like you hold your breath thinking about Fez leavin' you, I hit myself in the jaw when I think about her at all."

He was telling the truth. Half the reason was to deter Caroline from having a psychotic episode. The other half was to quit carrying this crap around with him. Sharing it with Forman would've resulted in burns for the rest of his life, and Fez still lusted after Jackie himself. But Caroline wouldn't squeal. She barely paid any attention to what Hyde said unless it had to do with Fez. And on the off-chance she did flap her gums, no one would believe her. People had to catch onto her unstable mental state eventually.

She seemed calmer now, though. She'd scampered off to an aisle with party hats and was trying different ones on—sparkly, paint-spattered, and faux-fur-lined. Hyde stood back and watched, and when she asked for his opinion on the hats she chose, he answered with a thumbs-up.

"So you hit yourself?" she said and clapped glitter from her hands.

"More like an enthusiastic slap. Gets rowdier thoughts to cooperate."

She nodded. "I should try that some time."

* * *

A week later in the Formans' kitchen, Mrs. Forman was putting the finishing touches on Fez's cake. "Now, Steven," she said, "you're sure Caroline means un-birthday?"

"Yeah, it's some Alice in Wonderland thing," Hyde said. "The Mad Hatter."

"That's appropriate." She locked eyes with him then froze. Did she know how nutty Fez's girlfriend was? She must have, but she broke free from her shock and laughed. "My... I hope Fez survives the end of that relationship."

"You and me both."

"Because it is going to be messy."

"You're tellin' me."

Her laughter pealed through the air again; then she filled a pastry bag with vanilla frosting. On the cake's chocolate-frosted top, she wrote, "Happy Un-Birthday, Fez!" but shook her head.

"'Un-birthday' sounds so gloomy, like he's going to be un-birthed. Can't I put an 'F' in front of the 'un'? To make it a 'Happy Fun Birthday'?"

Hyde leaned his hip against the kitchen's center island and shrugged. "If it were up to me, you could put whatever the hell you wanted. But Caroline's got an... itchy way of reactin' to things. You mess up her idea, and she might shove the cake down my throat—whole."

"Well, we don't want her doing that."

She put the cake on a glass stand and covered it with a glass dome. Hyde thought this was a good idea. Fez was already in the basement, and the smell of chocolate could bring him upstairs. The dome significantly muted the scent.

"Guess it's time to enter hell," he said.

He pushed himself from the island, but Mrs. Forman took his hand and smuggled a kiss onto his cheek. "It's very sweet of you to look out for Fez like this," she said. "You're a very sweet boy."

"Nothin' sweet about me. Caroline's like a grenade. Someone pulls out her pin—and KABLOOEY! Don't wanna miss it."

"I really hope you're kidding," she said. "Caroline can't possibly be that bad..." Then she cupped her mouth and whispered, "But just in case, I'll make sure Red's on alert."

"Red alert. Cool."

Hyde left Mrs. Forman's side and went down to the basement. Led Zeppelin was playing on Forman's stereo, in commemoration of Fez and Caroline's first date. At least doomsday would have a good soundtrack.

And the end was just beginning, man. Jackie and Kelso were Frenching clumsily on the ratty couch. They never did have a good rhythm. Her lips would release his while his tongue darted out. The tip of it usually hit her nostril or chin, causing her to back off. Or his head tiled at an awkward angle, making it tough for her to deepen the kiss—not that Hyde gave any thought to their technique. Its badness was just hard to miss.

He sat down on his chair and crossed his arms. He tried to focus on Zeppelin's "The Rain Song," but Fez kept disrupting the music with commentary: "This is when Caroline and I first held hands," and "Caroline and I stared into each other's eyes during this part," and, "I imagined Caroline naked right here."

Forman and Donna were no better. Forman kept looking at his watch and sighing, and Donna slapped his arm. "Stop doing that," she said. "She'll be here."

"Who?" Fez said.

"Um... my dad. He has to return... a thing... to Eric'd dad."

Fez seemed to accept this answer, despite Donna's swap of gender-specific pronouns. He was sitting in his usual place, the lawn chair, and he started to hum along to Jimmy Page's guitar.

Hyde looked down at his own watch. He'd timed things so he'd arrive in the basement a little while before Caroline. But as the minutes ticked away, a sour feeling festered in his stomach. She was the punctual type, and with her obsessiveness, she should've gotten here exactly when she said she would.

The plan was for her to show up with a bunch of balloons. The party supplies they'd bought together were safely hidden in Hyde's room, and once Fez was decently surprised, Hyde would bring them out. But no Caroline meant no surprise... unless the joke was on him.

He stood up and strode to the basement's door. Forman and Donna questioned him, but he didn't answer. He climbed the back staircase two steps at a time until he was in the Formans' backyard—and then he spotted them, the balloons. The too-colorful things were swaying in the wind, anchored down by a weight, by Caroline's unconscious body. He dashed to her side and knelt down.

"Hey," he said, snapping his fingers over her face. "Hey, wake up!"

Her eyelids fluttered open. "Huh?"

"You fainted, man."

"I did?"

"Yeah."

She waited a moment then tried to sit up. The balloons were tied to loops in her shirt. A neat trick, but they made it difficult for her to move. He put a hand on her back and helped her.

"I gotta have Mrs. Forman check you out," he said. "She's a nurse. You could have a concussion or something."

"Oh, that won't be necessary. I was already lying down when I held my breath."

His jaw clenched. What the hell was this chick's problem? "Fez ain't goin' anywhere, okay? He's totally into you."

"That's not what I was worried about." She clutched his wrist and used it to push herself to her feet. The balloons bounced off one other before settling back into place. "On my walk over here, I suddenly got to thinking, 'What if Fez isn't surprised? What if he's disappointed and never looks at me the same way again?' But I feel better now."

"Good." Hyde gestured to the basement stairs. "Let's get this crap over wi—started."

She scooted n front of him, as if she'd never fainted, and glided down the stairs with the balloons bobbing behind her. She waited until he met her at the bottom. Then she shoved open the basement door.

"SURPRISE!" she shouted and rushed inside.

"Caroline?" Fez stood from the lawn chair, and a smile tugged at his lips. "What is this?"

"Your un-birthday party!" She opened her arms wide and thrust them around his neck, and the balloons made a racket as she did it. "We've got a cake and party favors and everything!"

"You do? You did this for me?"

"Yes!" She backed away from him and giggled. "Surprised?"

"Very."

Fez leaned in for a kiss, and Hyde maneuvered around him and Caroline and her flock of balloons. Jackie and Kelso were still pawing at each other on the couch. They'd sunk into their own impenetrable world, and Hyde held no doubts they'd start dry-humping. _Happy freakin' un-birthday._

He escaped into his room. The party supplies were waiting for him, but he took his time. He lined up the party-favor bags for everyone on his cot. Only his had a hand-buzzer. Maybe he could press it into Kelso's throat. Then again, that might shock Kelso into a decent kissing-rhythm, and Hyde had no intention of helping him out in that area.

Eventually, the party hats were stacked on Hyde's fist. The bags were heaped in his arms, but it all dropped to the floor as a _bang!_ blasted through the basement. It sounded like a gunshot and was followed by two others.

"Shit!" Hyde fell to his hands and knees, and he crawled behind his cot as another shot broke the air. Caroline, that psycho, had brought a damn gun. She was shooting up the basement and taking out his friends one-by-one.

"Freakin' hell," he whispered. The way he lived his life, getting a bullet to the brain was always a possibility, but he hadn't expected it so soon. And not at the hands of his friend's chick.

Another _bang! _and Hyde knew he was next. That had been five shots. Caroline probably had one bullet left. For him.

"Hyde!" Her voice came through his door a minute later, and her body followed. "Hyde, what are you doing?"

He had no way out, man. If he'd locked his door, maybe he would've had a chance, but cowering like a mouse wasn't how he wanted to die. He rose to his feet and into stared into Caroline's eyes. Facing death like a man would be his final act.

"Where's the party stuff?" she said.

"Wh—what?" He glanced down. Everything had fallen out of the party-favor bags and was scattered on the floor.

"Oh, you dropped it!" She crouched and began to reorganize the blowouts, super balls, and other assorted toys. "Don't just stand there. Help me!"

He didn't move. He couldn't. His gaze was fixed on her balloons. She'd had roughly a dozen when she came into the basement, but now she had half as much. "Your balloons popped?" A smile cut across his face, "Man, your balloons popped!" and laughter sliced through his throat until his voice was raw.

"Yeah, what'd you think I was doing? Shooting a gun?"

"Uh..."

She waved dismissively at him, "Never mind," then gestured for him to join her. "It would be nice, though, for you to fix up the bags with me—since you were the one who messed them up."

"Yeah, yeah. I hear ya." He crouched by her and did as she asked. _Man,_ who was the real psycho here? He'd thought Caroline had shot up his friends in a blood bath. "So," he said, "did Kelso assault your balloons?"

"No, I stuck them with a hairpin." She pulled a sharp, metal pin from her blonde hair, "See?" and popped a balloon with it. "Kelso and the brunette slut were ruining the party with their mutual slobbering. It was disgusting. The first balloon caught their attention, but it wasn't enough, so I popped two more. They glared at me, and I said, 'Surprise! Now, get out.' They refused, so I kept popping balloons until they left."

"Nice."

"Oh! And I might've also said to the brunette slut, 'I hope they find a cure for your disease,' before she ran out of the basement."

Hyde nodded his approval. For a wacko, Caroline wasn't half bad. They finished re-bagging the party-favors, but her expression grew serious. "Speaking of guns," she said, "do you know a good place to stash a .22 pistol? Not that I think you're the type to know these things, but... _do_ you know?"

"No."

"Damn." She grimaced. "I'll just have to toss it in Pike River."

"In Kenosha?" He shut his eyes to clear his head. He didn't want to know what she was talking about. It could make him an accessory.

"I've been planning a series of elaborate bank heists," she said. "I know a .22 is a baby gun, but I can't afford better. That's why I'm going to rob those banks."

Hyde opened his eyes to her toothy grin. "Maybe you should rethink that..."

She slapped his back, and he stumbled forward. "I'm kidding!"

"Hah. Funny..."

He thought it was over, but her face grew serious again. "I can afford a better gun."

"Super." He sighed. "Let's get to the party."

"It's just a joke, Hyde," she said, and they left his room. "Fez warned me that you're a bit paranoid. You need to relax. Maybe stop hitting yourself when you think about slutty brunettes. It's not healthy."

"I'll do that. Thanks."

He held his breath as they returned to his friends. Only Forman, Donna, and Fez remained in the basement, and they swarmed in on him and Caroline. They snatched the party hats and bag from their hands, and Fez pulled Caroline into an embrace, balloons and all. Hyde felt a little dizzy watching the scene, and he exhaled before he passed out.

_Yeah..._ he was paranoid all right, but Caroline was still the psycho. A crazy, nutbag headcase. They were all in for a load of trouble when Fez realized the truth about her—trouble _on top of trouble_ for Hyde unless he cured himself of his own disease. He hoped like hell Jackie-on-the-Brain wasn't terminal. But for now, he took Caroline's advice, kicked back in his chair, and relaxed with a slice of cake.


End file.
